“oh, it’s fine!” and other unkind NICETIES

There is this thing we say, and we mean it as a comfort, an acceptance, a kind gesture. But it is really starting to wear me down to the bone. I have been on the giving and receiving end of this statement because it’s the culturally appropriate response to many things. In this season of nesting, however, I’d like to call it to light.

“Oh, you don’t have to clean your house for me!”

“Just come in your sweats, we don’t care how you look!”

“Oh, that’s good enough. It’s just us.”

“We know you’re busy, we don’t care how [ insert some flaw here ]”

These are just a few examples of what I’m talking about. So I guess it’s more of a concept than a statement. Regardless, I just have to say that these statements are not even the slightest bit comforting to this Enneagram Type 2 with very strong perfectionist and achiever wings. Not only does this statement not bring me the intended comfort, it makes me feel like you think I’m ridiculous and that the things I care deeply about are not valid things to care about.

Now, I don’t say any of this because I think we need to watch another thing that we say to people. I’m not deeply wounded by any trying to tell me that something isn’t a big deal to them. Rationally, I understand that you are trying to say that you love me as I am and you don’t expect anything extra from me. I bring it up because I think we need to honor what we care about as individual, uniquely made people. And we need to accept that we care, or fuss over our own things. That’s it. It’s not something to change or adjust or apologize for. AND it’s not something anyone needs to feel bad about for me.

Here is the cold hard truth: I don’t clean my house for you. I clean my house so I can pay attention to you when you are in it. I don’t get dressed up, cover that zit, curl my hair for you. I do those things so I can pay attention to you when we are at coffee together and feel good when we are there. I shave my legs every time I shower because when I crawl into bed at night, I enjoy the feel of smooth skin on sheets. It’s not because I want to impress or please my husband or because I have something to prove to other women. And I care that the right pamphlets are at the event because I spent hours with my team creating and cultivating these pamphlets to represent my brand, my vision, my passion and purpose and I want THAT to be what people take home with them. And you know what? I really like it when people are impressed with me, my house, my table setting skills.

While remodeling our basement in the thick of nesting and running my business (which I would like to point out is rooted, grounded, and blossoms under the premise that I create a space for you and your soul to rest and renew) I have had nearly every person I love and confide in tell me that it will be “just fine” if the baby comes and Audrey’s room isn’t ready yet. They tell me that my clients “will not care” that we are having spiritual direction in my basement. They tell me that “everyone’s house” is a mess and no one expects it to be clean all the time.

But I do. I care.

And that’s not wrong.

Call me Martha if you want. Tell me to sit at Jesus’ feet and learn something. Tell me that He doesn’t think these things are a priority. I will tell you, I’ve spoken with Mr. Jesus and He cares very deeply. Because I do. I’ll tell you that His Father created me with these desires. And I’ll tell you that He never scolded Martha for cooking and cleaning and hosting. He told her Mary wasn’t doing anything wrong.

If you look at that scripture for real, you’ll find that Jesus doesn’t tell Martha that no one cares if they just eat pb&js and if the house is a mess. He didn’t tell her that she needs to drop everything and listen to His teachings. And you know what? I think that’s because 1. He knew she wouldn’t be able to focus on Him if the house wasn’t clean and the food was overcooked and 2. because we need people like that.

We need people to care about the aesthetic, the vibe, the font, the dusting, and that everyone’s wine glasses or coffee cups match.

We also need people who don’t care about those things and instead care about all other kinds of things. Mary was making sure Jesus felt heard and welcome in their home. Mary cared that everyone was enjoying themselves and felt important and included. Martha made sure that everyone was well fed and that the environment was suitable and comfortable. And I don’t know what Lazarus was up to but whatever he was doing was right and important and something that mattered to him, too. And we shouldn’t say “oh, it’s fine!” to them either. Because the things that matter to people aren’t going to suddenly not matter just because we tell them that we don’t care or think that’s good enough. It’s just going to make them feel foolish and lonely.

It’s not that we shouldn’t assure people that they are doing well and that comforting them is useless or wrong. I am merely pointing out that, at least in my house, I’m not cleaning to impress you so much as I am honoring myself and tapping into my gifts and strengths. And maybe, just maybe, we could take that under consideration before we brush something off for people.