Dropping the Self in Self-care

I’ve been wrestling with this idea of self-care for months…Maybe a year at this point. It isn’t working for me. And I know that words are just words and I don’t need to get all caught up in semantics but it’s honestly bigger than that at this point.

First let’s get clear about self-care, this overly marketed, falsely relied on, concept of wellness.

According to Google, “Self-care is the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health.”

Wikipedia tells me that “Self care is the individual practice of health management without the aid of a medical professional. In health care, self-care is any human regulatory function which is under individual control, deliberate and self-initiated, for the purpose of the maintenance of health and wellbeing.”

So let’s just point some things out. Self care is supposed to be something you do by yourself, for yourself. Self-care is supposed to be deliberate and self-initiated. Self-care is supposed to be maintenance.

All of that, I completely agree with. You take your bubble bath. You go for your run. You have drinks with the girls. Carpe that diem. Get that gratitude journal and create rhythms worth your time.

But. We must stop using self-care as a replacement for healing. Self-care is upkeep. Self-care is what happens between therapy sessions. Self-care is honestly just 450 billion dollar market that sells fancy alone time. It has been marketed in such a way that it’s now a very expensive, over-worked, over-thought to-do list. Another expectation to put on yourself and your girlfriends. Another thing you’re supposed to be doing in order to be your happiest, most beautiful, rejuvenated self. JUST do this workout, this meal plan, intermittent fasting, go on creativity dates, miracle mornings, eat yogurt every day, buy this crystal to keep good energy in your home.

Let’s be clear here: I love a good devotional. I am a huge fan of morning routines. I have a lot of crystals.

And it’s not working.

Why? Because I, in my limited humanness, cannot heal myself. I can’t be a 3rd party observer that sheds light on the things in my life that aren’t as they should be. I, in my humanness, cannot take care of myself in the way that others’ can care for me.

Surgeons cannot perform on themselves.

Therapists see therapists.

And as a fairly uncomfortable psych class once taught me, you can tickle yourself, sort of…it’s just not the same.

What’s my point.

We go to church because we are a body of believers that requires connection, accountability, and intentional and encouraging growth.

Similarly, I truly believe we need someone to help us care for ourselves.

What happens between one Sunday and the next is time alone with God, yes. And that is arguably more important than attending the church service.

But without that encouragement, that space for healing and growing…what are we doing? We are creating stagnancy. If we only allow ourselves to be cared for by us, in a bubble bath or with a crystal collection and a Jesus is Calling Devotional over our favorite cup of creamer; we limit our growth, our life energy, our soul connection. We make space for excuses, for loneliness, for dissatisfaction. And we open ourselves up to the thinking that if this doesn’t make me into the person I want to be, then I have failed, I am not worthy of wellness, I am not capable of being healed.

Truly, truly, I tell you: you cannot put it all on your spiritual director either. But when we allow ourselves to be cared for by others, by PROFESSIONALS, we are opening ourselves up to greater healing, deeper healing, even better self-care.

I am not saying all of this because I want you to have a spiritual direction or reiki session every week. I am not saying we all need to be in therapy indefinitely. I would not say someone that has a heart condition should be hospitalized for life. That’s silly and unrealistic. What I’m saying is that we need to drop the idea that self-care will cut it.

We’ve all been through hell in the last year or so. To live by the creed that a new bread-baking hobby and regularly scheduled “self-care” rhythms will cure your collective depression and relieve you of the triggers that are so freshly prevalent in your day is reckless and prideful. We don’t have anything we need to prove. We need to be open to help and care from others. We are made for community and connection. Our healing and wholeness must reflect that.

So. Who can help you care for you?