It is not

It is not well with my soul.

Can I just say that? Actually, I’m not asking permission. It’s not. I’ve had enough.

I am no longer interested in this year. I am no longer interested in faking it til I make it, doing it with a smile so it goes faster, choosing joy, or even crying it out.

It is very, very unwell with my soul.

There is too much. And it is leaving the thing I’m passionate about, called to, and have a voice for to be put aside. Because who can think about taking care of themselves, healing from their past, settling in to their present moment with all of this going on?

I am sick of closing my eyes as I open my Facebook app. I am sick of the inner conflict between my civic duty to be informed to the deep desire within me to not know another iota about our world, our nation, our future.

I am terrified of what will come of this fall. Right around the time my baby will be born. And that is not well with my soul either.

And I’m getting pretty fed up with it. Because I have tried to bring the peace. I have tried to keep my eyes on the One who does know what the heck is going on. I have tried my best to be faithful. I have clung to a positive attitude and calm, peaceful presence with my teeth and my finger nails. My teeth can’t take it. My nails are breaking and bloody.

There is so much good, too. I know that. I see that. And I practice the heck out of gratitude over that.

It’s not changing the fact that I am still full of un-wellness. Un-rest. Un-joy. Un-comfort.

And I just think it’s time to accept that. It’s not well. None of it is well. That’s okay because the Kingdom IS near. But I DO NOT have to like this part. I do not need to slap a smile on this season.I won’t do toxic and inauthentic positivity because that’s what our culture reveres. Because this culture will fail me over and over and over again. In case you haven’t noticed. I do not need to lie to myself. I do not need to hold any of this until the Kingdom comes. I can just accept that this is not well with my soul and start to move forward.

I firmly believe that I am allowed to parse out the good and the bad. I can choose joy about the joy things and I can be absolutely outraged about the outrageous. I will not succumb to the idiotic notion that I should choose gratitude and joy because somebody, somewhere has it worse than me. Of course they do. God doesn’t measure our pain against one anothers’. And neither should we.

This all sucks. I am trying to grow a baby in the midst of a pandemic and raise a tantrum throwing precious child of God while trying to open a new space for my business and caring about every one’s stuff. Pandemic stuff. Racial injustice stuff. Sex trafficking stuff. School stuff. Health stuff. Income stuff. While the world is full of fear and anger and remorse and agenda. In an election year. Because I love to care about people’s stuff. It’s what I’m called to. And it’s a lot.

So It’s not well with my soul. I’m annoyed. I’m heartbroken. I’m triggered. I’m sassy and hormonal. And tomorrow will be better because sleep and a shower fix most things. But today, my soul is not well. And I think God is calling me to tell you that it’s okay if yours is also having a time of it. And He’ll be there to make it better, to heal it, to get you through it. So I’ll have an unwell soul until He calls me to something else.

If it’s His will and all of that.